Half a glass

Today was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting, but then I found solace in knowing that I was spiritually content. Knowing who I am and having decided what I am living for makes life a little bit more livable.  Call me an optimist. I guess I'd rather be called a realist, though. I know who I am. I know things can be bad or good but really, things just are. And knowing the essence of a thing and the purpose of it helps understanding. What I am saying is that the glass isn't half full nor is it half empty; it is simply half a glass. Why make something negative or positive out of it? It just is.

Then I realized that this whole question of existence bothers me. Everyone's just trying to figure out the great philosophical question why are we here?  Why? I dunno. And nobody will ever know, so decide. Just decide what your life is for. I did, and I think its why I'm content and why things are alright with my soul.

I aim to end complacency.
I strive to pursue and uphold and admire beauty.
I long to love anyone who needs it.

And often, I fail at my aims, strivings and longings, but I know who I am and know there is hope.

The way I see it is that every moment is an adventure and an investment for more adventures. Each moment can be hard, but it's an investment. A moment can be dull, but an investment. Heck, things can be happy and lead to an adventure.

Just decide to live a life well lived and don't ever give up. If something sucks, make it not suck. Be cliche and be the change you want to see in the world.

End rant.

Pure of Heart

I was once told that I had a pure heart.

Granted, this was from a Nigerian man sitting in front of me on a plane to Ukraine after only a short discussion on my life and dreams.

And, certainly, I would love to say this is true about myself, but rather than pridefully (and hypocritically) claim it, I will set it as a goal.  His words inspired me to think about this idea of purity.

What is purity, especially that of the heart?

My Christian upbringing would tell me that it is an aversion to sexual sin and physical desires: a life unpolluted by worldly cravings.  But I think it is something much more than that.

First, (a small rabbit trail, here) I think sexuality is overdramatized by most of the population, regardless of religious beliefs.  Contrary to popular belief, sex is neither the epitome of evil nor the utmost goal that one can achieve.  It is simply a biological process that is, yes, very vital to our society and personal lives, but really should not be the only aspect of humanity that dictates that one is pure or has a pure heart.

Second, I think purity is something deeper: something we cannot fully understand or achieve.  And purity is not always white and clean.  Something can be pure gold or pure mud.  Pure alcohol, pure blood.

What then is a pure heart - a purity of the soul?  I think it is an individual trait.  Purity shows that someone is not in conflict: a trait that is certainly unattainable.  One cannot be purely good, purely beautiful, nor purely wise without conflict, because we are purely human, and humans have this annoying tendency to cause or live amidst conflict.

Philosophers will debate what it means to be fully human.  For me, I think we each must decide what it means to be purely human, and I have decided to pursue goodness, beauty, and wisdom.  If someone is as good enough to say that I have a pure heart, I might as well try to prove them right.

Perhaps such a decision or such a hope is what that Nigerian man saw in me.  I hope I live a life worthy of this gracious compliment.  One thing is for sure: the conflicts of the future will give me ample opportunity to practice.

Guide to Your Ultimate Hipster Pad

• Must be dimly lit, preferably in an attic or basement.  Main floor is too mainstream
• Have at least 3 maps from big cities or foreign countries
• Art from only local artists
• A pinecone garland (or garland from any nature, really, you must display that you are one with the EARTH)
• Ransack your local antique store for vintage goods such as typewriters, old landscape paintings, and clocks.
• Have a stack of suitcases in varying colors.
• Your furniture must be at least 30 years old.
•  Have an assortment of books on topics, which no one knows about.
•  Have an assortment of aged hardback books…not for reading, just for décor purposes.
• Sewing machine, because you’re obviously making your own clothes.
• Quilts, slightly used with a strange odor that no one can quite identify.
• Dangle Christmas ornaments from the ceiling to be ironic.
• NEVER TOO MANY TAPESTRIES
• Band posters from your favorite underground indie bands.
• Your secret Pinterest crafts that you pass on as your own ideas.
• Your luscious, completely unique wardrobe on display for all to see: especially your oddities and accessories stolen from your grandparents.
•  Loose leaf Earl Grey in a Mason jar.
•  Incense always burning.
• A garden gnome.
• Rugs.  The whole floor is covered in rugs.
• So cozy your uncle Ricky would want to have a sleepover with you.

Follow these instructions and your charmingly obscure pad will be inviting even to the set designers of Wes Anderson films.

Much love, Arielle & Gabi

By me.

This is a poem to a boy and also to the world.

You're fast asleep and don't wish to be woken,
And I'm certain you'll never be woken by me.
You sleep while the world is constantly broken,
And I hope it will never be broken by me.

С днём рожденне мне!

I celebrated my 21st birthday in Russia!  Wooo.  Coolest thing.

Our excursion was to Peter the Great's Summer park.  And there, Dr. Pogacar surprised us with birthday ice cream!  Wooo!  Ice cream.

Yesterday, Stephan, Naida, and I got approached by a Jehovah's Witness from Armenia.  In English.  At Burger King.

There's no escaping!

Hot...But Ice Cream!

So, today was super fun!

I woke up and went on an adventure to find a Nazarene church that my friend Vitalik in Ukraine told me about.  The Google Map directions lied.

After a few buses, metro rides, and input from +5 kindly people on the street, I found it!  And it was fantastic.  I was welcomed by the pastor, who I had messaged yesterday, and he introduced me to his English speaking friend, Alexandrina, who then translated for me when I was confused.

There were only about 20 people there.  They sang American 90s worship songs in Russian, so I knew the songs.  And then there was a short sermon and communion and community prayer.  It was just wonderful.  They invited me back again.  I said yes and regretted that I couldn't stay for tea.

I took the metro and met my friends on Nevsky Prospekt.

There we met Maria.  (Yes, everyone here is named Maria/Marina).  She's going to be our guide to all things St. Petersburg.  And thank goodness, because she is so nice and knows everything.  She took us for a very long walk down Nevsky Prospekt (the main street in Peter', if you didn't know) and then to the Peter and Paul Fortress.

It was beautiful there.

Because it was so warm today, many people were out sunbathing.  Naida and I just got ice cream and sat and talked for a bit.  It was nice.

Later, I talked to Marina, my host mom, about my day.  When I tried to explain the church that I went to, she got very worried.  I was quite confused and frustrated because what I could understand was that she thought any church that wasn't a state ordained Russian Orthodox or Catholic church wasn't a good church.  She told me that the church I visited wasn't a church at all, but a sect.  It wasn't until her daughter Maria came home that it was explained to me.

Apparently there were sects that were bringing people in off the streets to a sort of house-church and then hypnotizing them.  Thus, house-churches have been banned in Russia.  Marina and Maria were worried that I'd get hypnotized.  It's kind of funny, but I'm glad they cared.  I reassured them that I have many friends in Ukraine who know this pastor and have been to this church, that they didn't just pull me in off the street, and that it was a legal church.  They were relieved.

Excellent.  Now, perhaps, they won't think I'm a completely incompetent, naïve, and easily-persuaded young traveller, which seems to be the opinion they had after todays excursions.

Whistling

Russians think that if you whistle indoors you will always be poor.  Nobody's here right now, so I'm whistling.  I wasn't planning on being exceedingly rich anyway.

St. Petersburg!

We took a day train from Moscow to Saint Petersburg.  The countryside was stunning.  I want to live there (at least for maybe 73 days).  There were hills and valleys and meadows and lakes and little cottages and so many trees!

The lilacs are blooming in St. Petersburg.  The streets are full of people.  The buildings are antique and every one of them gorgeous.  The people are gorgeous, too.  The women in their dresses and the guys look pretty normal and well dressed, too.  Normal as in not every one of them has a mullet.  Cool.

Anyway,  I was kind of squealing a lot on the van ride to my host family.  Jess hugged me, empathizing with my uncontrollable enthusiasm.  Oh my goodness.  I'm living my dream!  This is so fantastic.

My host family is a mother and daughter: Marina and Maria.  Maria, the daughter, speaks English, and they currently have another lady living with them who is from Mexico and speaks excellent English, Russian, Italian, and Spanish of course.  Marina and Maria went to bed, but she made tea for me, and we sat in the kitchen and got to know each other.  Wow.  This is going to be so cool.

Mrs. Marina will make me breakfast at 8 am, and then I will explore the area until I meet up with the rest of our group at the nearby Metro station.

Tomorrow is exploration day, so there are bound to be pictures!  

Historical Moscow

May 22/23, 2013

Each weekday we have classes, and in the afternoon we go on excursions.  Yesterday, we went to Red Square and saw the sites to see there: St. Basil’s Cathedral, ГУМ (GUM), and the Kremlin.  Today we went back to Red Square and toured the Historical Museum.  Later, we went to the circus, which was absolutely delightful.

 GUM, the "state department store" is an absolutely gorgeous shopping mall commissioned by Catherine the Great.

 St. Basil's Cathedral was built during the reign of Ivan the Terrible, who had just defeated the Kazakhs and had this cathedral built in celebration.  It's absolutely beautiful.  It seems that Ivan agreed, because he had the architect blinded so that he would never make anything so beautiful anywhere else.  Nice.

Unfortunately none of my pictures from the circus turned out well, but nothing compares to the sight to which we came "home."  The fog settled so beautifully, and the building is lit so magnificently.   

Good night from Moscow!

My first Russian meal

Potato fries with meatballs, bread and tea.  The meatballs were super salty and garlic-y but delicious.  This costed around 110 rubles or about $3.50.  

In the city

May 20/21, 2013

New York City

So, with the curiosities of travelling, only half of May 20^th occurred for me.  David, Stepan, and I saw a smidgeon of New York.  We went to the Cake Boss Café and had coffee and cupcakes.  

After much effort, we got to JFK.  The bus there was kind of messy: we had to transfer to different buses and the drivers were grumpy about it.  But I did enjoy seeing things.  It made me excited for city life.  We met up with Найда at JFK and she, Stepan, and I played a few games of Hearts whilst bantering in the crude manner of college students before boarding our plane, which took off around 2:00 pm.   

The flight wasn’t too bad.  I slept a little bit, but ended up watching two films: Alfred Hitchcock’s “North by Northwest,” and “Hitchcock,” a film about Alfred Hitchcock.  It was divine.  I actually nearly cried watching “Hitchcock”.  Anthony Hopkins acted the part phenomenally, as did the lady who played Alma Hitchcock. Hopkins, especially, became his character.  The screenwriting was witty and captured the spirit of this beloved film director quite well. It was a moving film.

When we got off of the plane, it was 7:45 am in Moscow, which means we just skipped night time all together.   We had to wait quite a long time before we could leave by bus because we had to wait for the arrival of Shane and Dr. Pogacar.  Now we just need David and Jess to arrive, and we shall be a happy party. 

It took probably over an hour to get from the airport to the university.  It was an incredible little bus trip, though.  Moscow is so vast and varies so widely.  Some areas seem old, dilapidated and polluted.   Others seem new, enormous and futuristic.  

Here at the university, everything is just old.  I feel as if I jumped back a century here.  There are huge ballrooms with columns and paintings and statues of soviet leaders.  There are kiosks in the corners and in the halls.  The elevators are spooky and precarious-seeming, but I enjoy every bit of it. 

My room is a sanctuary.  The floor is made of raw wood laid out in chevron style.  There is a window with a straight dandelion-colored curtain and a sill big enough to sit in and watch the outside world romantically. I have little shkoffs (bookshelves/closets) and an old TV that plays cable stations.  It makes fun background noise.  There are two wooden chairs, a desk, and a lamp that inspires me to write 50s crime novels.  Everything is perfect.  For a bed, I have a sort of foam couch.  If I’d let myself, I’d probably sleep for hours, but I have to battle Jet Lag, and giving in to slumber and the forgotten night will not help.

So, here I sit with my sparkling mineral water ready for the group to come together.  I have some things I need: toiletries, really.  The toilet room (outside of my room and my currently non-existent neighbors’ room) did not come with toilet paper, so the luxury of using the bathroom is postponed until paper stuffs can be located, which is easier said than done.

Moscow State University is a wonder of the Communist era, and, in all its glory, this campus is extraordinarily intimidating to me right now.  I don’t understand how it works.  This dorm that I am in is super complicated.  It has 21 floors and myriad hallways and staircases that go around in mazes.  I haven’t even a clue how to find other buildings and stores.  There are swarms of people everywhere, too.  They all speak Russian.  I feel terribly inadequate in that regard.

I can’t say that I am scared.  I am intrigued and I am at peace, but I am in my room.  Some guys laughed at me earlier because I did not understand what they said.  The one guy said to the other, “She’s one that has terrible Russian.”  I confirmed his statement, in Russian, but they shook their heads and laughed.  After successfully purchasing water with 80 rubles, separated from my friends, I got lost in the elevators.  Yes, here even the elevators are fit for a labyrinth.  There are eight elevators on this sector of the building: two sets of four.  I did not realize that one set operates for floors 0-9 and the other for the floors to the 2 and 10-21.  After riding the latter elevators in a disoriented search for the elusive 7^th floor, I realized that I simply had the wrong group of elevators.  I was given funny looks, but it doesn’t matter.  I’ll be unknown here.  We leave in nine days.

On the bus...

May 19, 2013

            We stopped in Pittsburgh for two hours and decided to explore a little.  It was a delightful stretch of the legs.  We walked down Penn Ave., and saw a bunch of cool stores: places I would love to visit on a weekday that they’re open.  Maybe someday I can bike around all of these beautiful cities and take in the sites.  Mmmm.  Delicious culture.

            We ate at a seafood place.  It wasn’t very impressive at all, but the atmosphere was fantastic, and I enjoyed the time passed there anyway.  I delight in a good city street with weather beaten signs and unknown people.  The amount of potential discovery is mouth watering.  Oh, I am ecstatic!

            Pittsburgh was a sufficient mini-adventure.  Tomorrow morning (a few hours away) I get to finally see the beautiful cities of Philadelphia and New York, granted, it will just be a glimpse.  But it’s fine.  I’ll be in Moscow soon.  A whole new world will open up, and I will jump in. 

            These are dreams coming true.  I could cry.

Pittsburgh, PA

Off Adventuring...

Tomorrow marks the start of a new adventure!  I won't promise thorough nor frequent accounts on this blog, but there will be videos! (I'll post links later.)

Here's the general itinerary:

May 19: Join my friends on a bus in Columbus to NYC
May 20: Fly to Moscow, stay in dorms at Moscow State University
June 1-29: Train to St. Petersburg, stay in host homes and study at St. Petersburg University
July 1: Leave my group and fly to Kyiv, Ukraine.
July 2-17: Unplanned excursions throughout Ukraine. (Visiting of friends in Vinnitsa and Uzhgorod for sure.)
July 18: Return to my normal, casual, English-speaking lifestyle.

My fellow adventurers are Renée (Найда), Stephan (Степан), David, Shane,  Jess, and our BGSU Russian professor, Dr. Pogacar.

Good golly, I'm excited.

Christianity and Marriage Equality?

[My opinions on this have changed drastically since I wrote this.  Perhaps look at my entry "Pure of Heart" to get an idea of how I view sexuality in general.  I do not really feel like taking the time to outline every single argument here.  Maybe someday I will.]

So, marriage equality is the topic of the week.  Here are my thoughts in two premises.  Pardon the length and inevitable grammatical mistakes.

My first premise is this: I consider myself a Christian, and therefore strive to follow a “Christ-like” way of life.  It is obvious to me from studying the Bible that God desires his followers, if “they cannot control themselves,” to have sex only between two people after they are married.  (1 Corinthians 7:1-15)  I can’t tell you that it is “immoral” to have sex with someone of the same gender, or even, for that matter, to have sex before marriage.  I simply know that, as a Christian, if I am to have sex, it is to be between a man and me only after we have been married.

This does not mean that I don’t want sex before marriage, because—let’s be honest—of course I want to have sex.  Is God going to condemn me for wanting to have sex?  No, because I am human, and it is natural.  That’s just how we are.   

However, God expects his followers to take control of their bodies: to not submit to “the flesh.”  So, because of my love for God, I will strive to be sexually pure and not give in to lust whether that means abstaining from premarital sex, homosexuality or even masturbation. 

Another way of putting it is this: if God would require Christians to not eat bacon, I would not eat bacon.  Of course I would have an incredibly hard time with this because I love bacon.  Am I a sinner because I love bacon?  No.  And am I damned because sometimes I mess up and have some bacon?  No.  Jesus preaches forgiveness and urges us to strive to perfection.  That doesn’t mean that we’ll instantly be perfect and without struggle.  It means that we have forgiveness as we strive to follow his example.

And then, if you aren’t one who strives to be like Christ, I don’t really see any reason why you should follow these rules, and I apologize for those who have told you otherwise.

My second premise is this: I am, in this political matter, of a libertarian stance.  That is, politically, I think that people should be allowed to make their own decisions as long as they are not harming another person—that is not violating another person’s right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Also, this nation was founded on the ideas of separation of church and state and freedom of religion.  Of course, the meaning of these can be debated and the “original intent of the Constitution” will be argued, and I don’t mean that I want to keep Christian principles out of the government (I mean, not stealing and killing are primary examples/basic moral laws that should be followed), but when it comes to mandating religious laws in a nation that is living on the principle of freedom of religion, I have serious reservations. 

Putting these two premises together, I must then ask:  As a nation who claims to have a freedom of religion, and if not everyone in this nation aims to live a Christian lifestyle, then what right do we have to say that certain people may not live out their selected path to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?

For those who ask, what about churches?  What if a church doesn’t want to marry a homosexual couple?  Here is where I will agree.  I feel like the government should not have restrictions on heterosexual or homosexual marriage, however, churches should have the right to permit the services in their buildings and with their pastors or not. 

So, back to the bacon analogy: the government can’t just outlaw bacon because a religion says that it is immoral (or will bring on great trials/tribulations/curse of the nation/fire/brimstone/anti-Christ—you name it)—especially if it claims to have freedom of religion and separation of church and state. 

So, there is my political stance as of my current level of understanding of theology, philosophy, and politically theory.  If I’m wrong or my premises are faulty, educate me.  Give me solid reasons. 

Change of Heart

At Crucial on Thursday, the talk was about sharing the Gospel.  I was pretty negative, as usual, because I despise typical means of evangelism because they seem so forced.  But, there were things that I really learned from the conversation.

I realized that if I ever have a "spiritual conversation" with someone who isn't a Christian I get really proud about it.  But yesterday, Nick reminded us that it's not us that changes a person's heart.

Dang.

Let's.

You and me.  Let's go climb a mountain.  Let's go play in a freezing cold stream with mossy rocks on the bottom on a hot summer's day.  Let's explore a city with artists and lovers and sky scrapers and geese.  Let's find an old village in a distant country and commune with the people.  Let's walk through tall grass.  Let's feel the air and hear the ocean's voice. Let's go!

Breath

I wish the air were always so breathable as it is tonight.

This was a day of peace.  I let my heart scream a little bit in the chapel today.  Worship has a soothing effect on the soul.

Mmmm.

My soul resonates with this song:

My heart keeps breaking.  For some reason, it takes me back to Uzhgorod in the Transcarpathian Mountains, where I saw broken children.

He had bruises from the fists of his angry and drunk teachers.

She was tossed into the snow by the older children because she was "retarded and didn't know what it meant anyway."

He had wet pants that froze in the cold because he wasn't potty trained at eight years old and he only had one pair of pants that kept falling down anyway because they were too big.

She held my arm and would not let go.

He smiled and sat on my lap.

She pleaded for love with her eyes.

And it was cold.

And I could hold their hands for a moment.

And my soul cries.

Weeping.

Loving People

I try to define myself as a lover of people.

I'm always learning and constantly tested.  I really despise some people.  It's totally the Holy Spirit working through me if I am able to deal with stupid people.  Thanks, God.  You're awesome.  Also, I'm a stupid people, too.  God, thanks for working through other people so that I have friends and partners in this crazy love adventure called life.  Love.

I'm learning this: if you want to be a good friend, don't say "I'll pray for you."  Gosh darn it.  Just pray for them right there.  If you're too busy to pray for someone, then you just lied because you probably won't pray for them anyway, you prideful liar.  (Judging you. Sorry.  Here, let me be honest.)  I suck at remembering to pray for people.  If I say I'll pray for you, I won't because I'm a jerk and have a heart filled with pride and I like the idea of people thinking I'm pious by telling them that I'll pray because it makes me look good, but I don't have to act on it, because--really?--who's going to find out?  So.

I'm going to start to just pray for people when they need it and when God tells me to.

Pride.  GAH.  I HATE IT.  Pride tastes like shit, and it fills hearts, and it is so nasty.  God, take away pride.

Okay.
Love.

The Bitterness Bug

The bitterness bug has bitten BG.

No joke.  So many people are bitter.  Let's pray away the spirit of bitterness and "judgmentalness," and ask for a spirit of love, forgiveness and understanding.