I have to be honest and real with you all. And it's really hard, because I know the only people who read this will probably be discouraged by it. But this is me, and I have to write it.
I have a "closet" to come out of, and the most terrifying part is that I don't think that I will ever be able to completely come out of it. That closet is the religious closet: the closet that I was raised in, that I explored, that I defined my life around, that I travelled across the world to live out, and that I argued and sang praises for for years. It defined me. It created me and determined how I acted around my friends, what I chose to partake in, and how I thought about myself and my place in the world.
This religious closet is Christianity.
I cannot with a good conscious call myself a Christian anymore. I don't feel guilty about it or angry. I simply lost faith. I am not really sure how it happened, but it was a slow progression to something that has revealed to me the most freeing life experience. I had to make a decision, and it was basically this: my life choices will not revolve around Christianity, God, or the Bible.
I am not an atheist, but I also don't really know where I'd fit in the agnostic spectrum, but I will tell you what I do believe.
There might be a God, there might not. Frankly, I do not care, but if I am going to worship something, it is most likely not going to be the God I read about in the Bible. There is far too much that I do not agree with. And trust me, I have done a great deal of studying about this. I have argued the sides: I know the arguments, I know the Biblical references, and I know the theological standpoints. I simply do not believe it any longer. I do not want to continue to force myself to believe in something that I constantly have to make arguments or excuses for. I want to believe truth.
If I am going to worship anything, it is going to be that which is good and true and beautiful. By worship, I mean: what I am going to spend my time focusing on and studying and centering my life around.
I love nature.
I love people.
I love creating beautiful things.
I love exploring.
I love celebrating.
I love having fun.
I love caring about the important things.
I love figuring out what is important.
I love thinking.
I love pursuing wisdom.
I love painting.
I love understanding and the process of understanding.
I love studying.
I love.
And really, I am perfectly content with this. It is me. It's who I am, and it's what I am about. The problem is that there is this closet: not everyone can know about this. Not everyone can know that this is me. And I am coming to terms with that, but it is difficult when your family and friends and the people that support you and have defined your life experience may not understand or be able to accept this.
I am completely willing to date a non-Christian man.
Heck, I'd marry a non-Christian.
I'd live with him without getting married.
I'd have sex if I wanted to.
If I felt like it, I'd date a woman.
I would get drunk.
I would get high.
I would get tattoos and piercings and die my hair blue.
I would swear like a sailor and express myself humorously.
I'd tell a dirty joke.
I do not have moral restraints against these things anymore, but there's a lot of these things that I would do that a lot of people that I love would be pained to see me experience. But I do not care about those restraints any more, and I am perfectly comfortable and morally okay with doing these things...
...but unfortunately in a closet.
I am living a double life. It hurts.
It hurts a lot.
But I am me, and I am content.
