The Closet

I have to be honest and real with you all.  And it's really hard, because I know the only people who read this will probably be discouraged by it.  But this is me, and I have to write it.  

I have a "closet" to come out of, and the most terrifying part is that I don't think that I will ever be able to completely come out of it.  That closet is the religious closet: the closet that I was raised in, that I explored, that I defined my life around, that I travelled across the world to live out, and that I argued and sang praises for for years.  It defined me.  It created me and determined how I acted around my friends, what I chose to partake in, and how I thought about myself and my place in the world.

This religious closet is Christianity.  

I cannot with a good conscious call myself a Christian anymore.  I don't feel guilty about it or angry.  I simply lost faith.  I am not really sure how it happened, but it was a slow progression to something that has revealed to me the most freeing life experience.  I had to make a decision, and it was basically this: my life choices will not revolve around Christianity, God, or the Bible.

I am not an atheist, but I also don't really know where I'd fit in the agnostic spectrum, but I will tell you what I do believe.

There might be a God, there might not.  Frankly, I do not care, but if I am going to worship something, it is most likely not going to be the God I read about in the Bible.  There is far too much that I do not agree with.  And trust me, I have done a great deal of studying about this.  I have argued the sides: I know the arguments, I know the Biblical references, and I know the theological standpoints. I simply do not believe it any longer.  I do not want to continue to force myself to believe in something that I constantly have to make arguments or excuses for.  I want to believe truth.

If I am going to worship anything, it is going to be that which is good and true and beautiful.  By worship, I mean: what I am going to spend my time focusing on and studying and centering my life around.  

I love nature. 

I love people.

I love creating beautiful things.

I love exploring.

I love celebrating.

I love having fun.

I love caring about the important things.

I love figuring out what is important.

I love thinking.

I love pursuing wisdom.

I love painting.

I love understanding and the process of understanding.

I love studying.

I love.

And really, I am perfectly content with this.  It is me.  It's who I am, and it's what I am about.  The problem is that there is this closet: not everyone can know about this.  Not everyone can know that this is me.  And I am coming to terms with that, but it is difficult when your family and friends and the people that support you and have defined your life experience may not understand or be able to accept this.

I am completely willing to date a non-Christian man.  

Heck, I'd marry a non-Christian.

I'd live with him without getting married.

I'd have sex if I wanted to.

If I felt like it, I'd date a woman.

I would get drunk.

I would get high.

I would get tattoos and piercings and die my hair blue.

I would swear like a sailor and express myself humorously.

I'd tell a dirty joke.

I do not have moral restraints against these things anymore, but there's a lot of these things that I would do that a lot of people that I love would be pained to see me experience.  But I do not care about those restraints any more, and I am perfectly comfortable and morally okay with doing these things...

...but unfortunately in a closet.  

I am living a double life.  It hurts.

It hurts a lot.

But I am me, and I am content.

Overwhelmed

I usually don't get stressed out, but when I do, it's terrifying.  Right now, I am so far behind in my classwork that I could possibly not pass this class (one of three) that I am taking.  If I fail, it means I don't graduate in December, which is such a heavy burden.  Right now, I must rely and hope that my professor will give me grace on my late assignments.

Tonight, I am pulling an all-nighter.  My heart hurts because I feel as if I failed and lost focus so many times, and it is catching up with me and making my situation close to hopeless.  And my head hurts because I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of French vocabulary and grammar and all sorts of other topics in my head.

And still I must press on.  It's at times like these that I remember what I am working towards.  I get to graduate!  I get a degree that will help me get a job, and then I will pay off loans and be able to spend my time working with orphan children who have had life a whole lot harder than me.  It's hard for me to complain or lose hope when I contrast it with what other people are going through.  And I can go be with them soon if...if I just get this damned French homework done.

Censored

When I am at school, I often watch what I say because I don't want people judging me by my religion and the correlating religious stereotypes.

When I am at home, I watch what I say because I don't want people to think I've completely lost my faith because I don't conform to their stereotypes.

Dvadtsat Dva!

Twenty Two!

Today is my 22nd birthday!  Yay!

When I was younger I loved the number 22.  The number 2 is just so pretty, and having 2 twos right next to each other is superb.

I also thought that 22 year-olds were pretty adultish.

So, here's to a happy, jolly year of "adulthood."  I look forward to it joyously.

Also, this year, I just wanted to share how thankful I am that I got to spend it with my little sister.  I haven't in the past couple years, but we finally got to have our joint birthday celebration.

And let me tell ya, she was born two days before my 13th birthday after YEARS of praying for a little sister for my birthday.  Call it good luck or a blessing: she came home from the hospital on my birthday, and she's the best birthday present I ever received.

Half a glass

Today was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting, but then I found solace in knowing that I was spiritually content. Knowing who I am and having decided what I am living for makes life a little bit more livable.  Call me an optimist. I guess I'd rather be called a realist, though. I know who I am. I know things can be bad or good but really, things just are. And knowing the essence of a thing and the purpose of it helps understanding. What I am saying is that the glass isn't half full nor is it half empty; it is simply half a glass. Why make something negative or positive out of it? It just is.

Then I realized that this whole question of existence bothers me. Everyone's just trying to figure out the great philosophical question why are we here?  Why? I dunno. And nobody will ever know, so decide. Just decide what your life is for. I did, and I think its why I'm content and why things are alright with my soul.

I aim to end complacency.
I strive to pursue and uphold and admire beauty.
I long to love anyone who needs it.

And often, I fail at my aims, strivings and longings, but I know who I am and know there is hope.

The way I see it is that every moment is an adventure and an investment for more adventures. Each moment can be hard, but it's an investment. A moment can be dull, but an investment. Heck, things can be happy and lead to an adventure.

Just decide to live a life well lived and don't ever give up. If something sucks, make it not suck. Be cliche and be the change you want to see in the world.

End rant.

Pure of Heart

I was once told that I had a pure heart.

Granted, this was from a Nigerian man sitting in front of me on a plane to Ukraine after only a short discussion on my life and dreams.

And, certainly, I would love to say this is true about myself, but rather than pridefully (and hypocritically) claim it, I will set it as a goal.  His words inspired me to think about this idea of purity.

What is purity, especially that of the heart?

My Christian upbringing would tell me that it is an aversion to sexual sin and physical desires: a life unpolluted by worldly cravings.  But I think it is something much more than that.

First, (a small rabbit trail, here) I think sexuality is overdramatized by most of the population, regardless of religious beliefs.  Contrary to popular belief, sex is neither the epitome of evil nor the utmost goal that one can achieve.  It is simply a biological process that is, yes, very vital to our society and personal lives, but really should not be the only aspect of humanity that dictates that one is pure or has a pure heart.

Second, I think purity is something deeper: something we cannot fully understand or achieve.  And purity is not always white and clean.  Something can be pure gold or pure mud.  Pure alcohol, pure blood.

What then is a pure heart - a purity of the soul?  I think it is an individual trait.  Purity shows that someone is not in conflict: a trait that is certainly unattainable.  One cannot be purely good, purely beautiful, nor purely wise without conflict, because we are purely human, and humans have this annoying tendency to cause or live amidst conflict.

Philosophers will debate what it means to be fully human.  For me, I think we each must decide what it means to be purely human, and I have decided to pursue goodness, beauty, and wisdom.  If someone is as good enough to say that I have a pure heart, I might as well try to prove them right.

Perhaps such a decision or such a hope is what that Nigerian man saw in me.  I hope I live a life worthy of this gracious compliment.  One thing is for sure: the conflicts of the future will give me ample opportunity to practice.

Guide to Your Ultimate Hipster Pad

• Must be dimly lit, preferably in an attic or basement.  Main floor is too mainstream
• Have at least 3 maps from big cities or foreign countries
• Art from only local artists
• A pinecone garland (or garland from any nature, really, you must display that you are one with the EARTH)
• Ransack your local antique store for vintage goods such as typewriters, old landscape paintings, and clocks.
• Have a stack of suitcases in varying colors.
• Your furniture must be at least 30 years old.
•  Have an assortment of books on topics, which no one knows about.
•  Have an assortment of aged hardback books…not for reading, just for décor purposes.
• Sewing machine, because you’re obviously making your own clothes.
• Quilts, slightly used with a strange odor that no one can quite identify.
• Dangle Christmas ornaments from the ceiling to be ironic.
• NEVER TOO MANY TAPESTRIES
• Band posters from your favorite underground indie bands.
• Your secret Pinterest crafts that you pass on as your own ideas.
• Your luscious, completely unique wardrobe on display for all to see: especially your oddities and accessories stolen from your grandparents.
•  Loose leaf Earl Grey in a Mason jar.
•  Incense always burning.
• A garden gnome.
• Rugs.  The whole floor is covered in rugs.
• So cozy your uncle Ricky would want to have a sleepover with you.

Follow these instructions and your charmingly obscure pad will be inviting even to the set designers of Wes Anderson films.

Much love, Arielle & Gabi